I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
