she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize