Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A+ Viking dick
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
