I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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