If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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