people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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