You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
