What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
