I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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