my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
