so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
