Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize
