I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
