Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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