How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
