its not stalking. its research.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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