i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
