Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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