So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
