You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
