I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So vagazzling was a success
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
