You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
