I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
