yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
