he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
