Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
