i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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