I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
