My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
