That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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