So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
