she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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