what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
