I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
