new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
