ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
