Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
