At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need to sanitize my soul.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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