I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
