There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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