im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize