The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
