dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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