walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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