you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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