I just cut my nipple shaving
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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