Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
