When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
