For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
