I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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