i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
