You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
