I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
a search helicopter?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Randomize
