I cannot find my penis.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
