all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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