I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
