Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
