weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
